Everyone deep down longs for community in one form or another. We were made for community. “It is not good for man to be alone” – Genesis says. Humans cannot live, cannot learn language, cannot fully develop apart from other people.
Yet if community is stitched into our God-given DNA, why is it so hard to achieve? The obvious answer is ‘sin’. But there are some sins which prove more destructive than others for even the creation of community. I want to suggest that self-reliance is one of the most sinister and community-destructive sins of all.
Self-reliance takes many guises. It’s the person who doesn’t feel they need community. It’s the person who has many struggles but is unwilling to share them. The person who faces sin, pain or genuine needs without calling for help.
The NT fleshes out a biblical view of community, those brought together in Christ to love one another through over 50 one another sayings. One of which is ‘bear one another’s burdens’, another is ‘serve one another’. In fact, community takes place when relationships involve not one-way but reciprocal love. Yet, in HK, we live self-reliant lives. We outsource many of the opportunities for others to serve us and for us to serve others to professionals and to a select family inner circle.
What greater opportunities are there for community to develop than when a new baby is born, a person needs help moving, a couple needs time out for a date night or space to make love because they’re so overwhelmed with childcare duties. Ordinary life creates ordinary moments for extraordinary love to be displayed. But in HK what do we do? Because life is busy and overwhelming, we hire movers to pack our stuff for us – we have no need of help. We have helpers to do all our babysitting – we do not need singles to experience our family life. We outsource our practical jobs to professionals because quite frankly it’s so much easier.
And the list goes on and on. We think we are being helpful when we place no demands on others and yet frequently we are removing the very pillars of Christ-centred community through self-reliance. The opportunities we have for a messy and more demanding yet richer life are missed because we take the easy option without a thought for how to invite community in. This is not to say that we cannot use professionals to help – the reason we do so is in a busy, tiring city we’re overwhelmed and want to make life a little easier. But the point is: do we even seethese as opportunities to engage our community?
Even when we have a need, I know my thought patterns go something like this: “everyone is so busy, I don’t want to disturb others….they need to get some rest.” The other day, I had to buy some furniture to move. I didn’t want to disturb someone else – I could simply pay some extra money to hire a GoGo van driver to do the moving for me….but I didn’t. Some may say I was being tight. But actually I know these are the moments for community to form. And so I asked. And my brother in Christ was more than willing to help. In fact, on the way it led to a deep honest conversation about life and faith and our relationship grew and we left mutually encouraged. And I would have missed it all if I’d hired the GoGo van driver to do it all.
Yet so often, we soldier on by our lonely selves. Afraid of asking anyone else for help. Yet this is the enemy’s lie. There are people in the church who desire nothing less than to have the opportunity to serve and bless others. Some are lonely, some want to feel useful, some are liable to depression, addiction or sadness because they are left on the sidelines while everyone else is self-sufficiently busy. For others, their schedule is so precious to them that it has become an idol of comfort and control. We need the disturbance of the offer to love.
We need to create a culture where we have no qualms in asking our brothers and sisters to help us, where we are open to our schedules being disturbed for it is here that rich and deep community is formed. It’s here that conversations which change lives occur. It’s in the ordinary little moments when God speaks like a thunder into our hearts, where our sins are exposed, where God’s grace is revealed, where we learn the pains of our brothers and sisters and where we learn to weep and rejoice with each other. This is the messy community – the painful community – the awkward and disruptive community that is true God-honouring community.
Of course, this can be abused – we live in a culture that is unwilling to say ‘no’ either. Many of us are people pleasers who pile up so much stuff in our lives that burnout lurks a moment away. The answer is not to avoid any possibility of such a situation occurring. It is to grow in the fear of the Lord. A fear which will lead us to often say ‘yes’ but sometimes say ‘no’ because we know this is not healthy for ourselves or our family. Many times, we do not say ‘no’ because we fear others’ opinions more than seeking to honour God in our lives.
Christian community should be a place where we are willing to disturb others. Invite ourselves round for meals. Ask people to help us. And where we are disturbable – so that our privacy, our nice routines can be upset because we do not hold them so tightly as to become idols.
And as our hearts are open to be disturbed – it’s then that boundaries, learning to say ‘no’ without guilt or shame but with an open heart will produce a tiring but fulfilling community life lived not just for ourselves but rich in grace.